BIP Leader “Unconcerned” About Mystery Election Rival
Formio dismisses “irrelevant publicity stunt” by “hessian brigade” Greens
by Esmé Dupp
Speculation was mounting today over the identity of the Green Party’s candidate for the South Thanet constituency at this May’s General Election. As the Greens promised an announcement “very soon,” the British Independence Party’s Nicholas Formio, who holds a 12-point lead over Labour in the race for the East Kent seat, sipped his pint of Bishops Finger, sparked up a B&H and declared himself “completely relaxed and utterly unconcerned.”
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The Green Party leadership announced the withdrawal of previous South Thanet candidate Olivier Davies on Monday but has since remained tight-lipped on his replacement. Reports from unnammed sources within the party describing Davies as a “lightweight” who “struggled to make an impact” fuelled rumours that the new candidate would be a big name.
Angelina Jolie, Alan Titchmarsh, Stella Herbert, Vladimir Putin, Kevin Pietersen and Tracey Emin are just some of the many prominent public figures linked with the prestigious vacancy.
South Thanet offers much more than a seat in the Commons. The result on 7 May will be the making or the breaking of Nicholas Formio. If he goes down, the entire British Independence Party may go with him. After a resounding victory in the 2014 European elections, however, Formio is riding the crest of a wave that may sweep him all the way to polling day and beyond.
Formio spoke to a group of journalists in the garden of the Bird In Hand, Cliffsend, then a bit later at the Red Lion, Minster, then a bit further down the road at some other pub and then finally back to Cliffsend for a curry at the Baypoint Balti House.
“The Green Party’s open-door policy on immigration spells disaster for the people of South Thanet and the whole of the United Kingdom,” Formio explained as he swigged his Spitfire Ale. “Why should young British families have to compete with 400 million other people who come from faraway places that happen to be members of the EU?”
“The Green’s Thanet candidate can be Desmond Tutu or Mr. Blobby, for all I care. Their policies are completely barmy. Pint of Whitstable Bay, please. Vote for the Greens, and we’ll all be eating mung bean casserole and riding yoghurt-powered bicycles to compulsory tree-hugging sessions. Who’s got any fags left?”
Meanwhile, the Green Party scheduled a press conference for 10am on Monday 13 April. It is widely expected that the new South Thanet candidate will be revealed then. Latest polls for the constituency have the Greens in fourth place with 3.1% of the vote.
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